day 11

today is saturday, may 9, day 11 of chemo cycle, next admission may 20.

feeling great today. woke up with a blood nose, but other than that feel pretty much normal; normal energy, normal appetite, no nausea, no desperation to get back to bed.  it's frustrating because i want to do something today but i am limited by

a) can't drive

b) can't walk far

c) can't stand up for long periods of time

which is basically the problem with everything. i really wanted to go out last night, and there was a gig at the hifi bar to which a few people were going, but logistically i knew that the hifi bar has a big old staircase and no chairs. so even though i feel fine it would have been impractical.  i need ideas guys!  what can i do to fill my time?

it's such a weird feeling because everytime i've left the house so far it has been this kind of tokenistic, you can do it affair with no point where i just move to a different location, sit down for an hour, then go home again and sit down and say well that was exhausting.  i'd love to be able to do something that has a point and is useful, like go to the supermarket.  i really miss driving.  maybe if i go for night time drives it won't be as dangerous.  the actual act of driving and normal feet on pedals apparently isn't dangerous, it's the risk that i would need to slam on breaks and sudden forceful weightbearing would shatter my knee.  so maybe night time driving.

this post is weird so far.

more generally:

i still have my hair, though it is malting and i'm scared to brush it. i want to just put it in a ponytail and cut the ponytail off and have some kind of crazy short jagged thing but i am aware that to everyone else it will seem like an awkward emo "oh is this how she's dealing with it..." kind of affair.  but it's not, or at least it isn't until the tears start flowing and i'm pulling it out in chunks going why why why my beautiful hair like repunzel. joke. obviously. ugh. cancer irony is being totally ruined by this experience!

there are these two men, ~ 75 years old, who live in our street.  they share a flat and everyone assumes that they are probably gay.  but when they walk to and from the shops they always always always do this weird, contrived thing where they walk 100 metres apart.  i don't know if at the shops they meet up, and one leaves a minute before the other, or if it's a stand at the corner and wait while other one moves an unsuspicious, ungay distance away and then walk kind of scenario.  but it's really weird.  i just sit here at my front window and watch, one goes past at 11.51, and the other at 11.53.  a couple of times every day.  actually starting to worry that i am becoming rear window like character with crutches observing neighbours and soon going to end up in tangled web of deception or similar.  hm, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

the overall point of this pointless update is that i am well. bored and well, reading the da vinci code (very exciting), finished both the bridget joneses.  any good book suggestions?  any good outing suggestions?  think i might venture into the city tonight, if anyone is going to be around.

next rounds of chemo:

methatrixate or something

may 20-24

may 27-31

cisplatin and doxorubicin or something

june 3-5

then another two weeks break

surgery vaguely planned for julyish